Once Infertile, Always Infertile

I still think of myself as infertile. I don't think I'll ever really believe that I might actually have a baby. I haven't bought one single baby item. Not a sock, not a onsie...because I think there is this nagging fear in the back on my mind that I might lose this one, too. I know that being in the second trimester lowers my chance of miscarriage exponentially...but there are still plenty of women that lose children during any time in their pregnancy. Anything can happen! I know a woman personally who lost her child in her 8th month of pregnancy. I can't even begin to imagine how devastating that was for her and her family. I was barely out of the first month....I have thought a lot about how I sometimes feel so silly and stupid, mourning a child that never was. Crying myself to sleep (yes, sometimes even now) over a child that obviously wasn't meant to be.

I found this quote on another blog, and it touched my heart. It speaks to anyone (man or woman) that has ever dealt with infertility.

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" - Laura Bush, Former First Lady