The Tapestry

Most of the time, I do pretty well. I have very little anxiety, very little stress, and I'm feeling very zen about the cards I've been dealt in my life.

Here's a little background information:

I had a conversation with a very close friend this week. We have similar backgrounds...which is probably why we get along so well. We were both raised LDS, but fell away from the church (for different reasons.) We have a lot of the same interests, so when we talk there is never a lull in the conversation. The biggest difference between us is that he's almost completely anti-religion, whereas I see a reason and a place for all religions. Maybe he's not ANTI-religion...but he doesn't see the value in the way we were raised the way I do. He's much more bitter about it than I am.

He recently went through a tough time, and I made the comment, "Well, everything happens for a reason. There's probably a very good reason that this happened to you the way it did." He did not agree. He doesn't believe that there is an underlying reason for things that happen...that we are just reacting in life as we go. He asked me why I believe there are reasons for everything.

"....when you have walked a mile in my shoes and dealt with the tragedies I have dealt with, you would feel the same way. I cannot, in my life, believe there aren't reasons for everything. I have felt the presence of something stronger than me. Not only in my own life, but in my family's lives as well. These past several months have been incredibly hard and if there weren't a reason for it, I couldn't get through every day. There HAS to be a reason for it. I don't see the big picture. You don't, no one does. We only see a few pieces of the whole. I might not know or agree with the reasons that I have been given the situations I have...but I DO believe that they were given to me for a purpose. I'm just weaving the threads of my tapestry. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to step back and see the larger picture...but for now, just knowing there is a purpose is enough for me."

I know that I gave him a lot to think about. He wrote me a long letter later about his thoughts on my beliefs and the parts that he's curious about. But, I think that this conversation was the start of some anxiety for me. I think just bringing up the fact that I had a miscarriage started it. Later, I was cleaning out my email box (because I'm OCD and I don't like to have 2000 emails in there) and I got to January-February of this year. I tried not to read them....but just trying to delete them was too much. They're still sitting there.... Yesterday was a bad day for me, trying to squish down the anxiety I was feeling just made it worse. I successfully battled the panic attack that danced around the edges...but it was hard. I'm glad that I have today and tomorrow off to regroup and get my mind back together.

I am stronger than my situation. I am a better woman for my experiences. I will be a mother, though I have had to fight for it....

....and if I keep telling myself this, maybe I'll actually believe it. But....I do know that there is a purpose for my pain. There is a reason in the larger scheme of things. THAT I don't doubt at all. For now...I'll just weave my threads.