Something Blue

My baby buddy is having a boy. We got pregnant at the same time, and our due dates were less than a week apart (for awhile, they were the same day.)

Their struggle was 12 years long, with many miscarriages and rounds of IVF and $$$$$ toward having a baby...and this is their first. If this last round didn't work, I knew they were giving up. I don't think they can adopt, because it's almost impossible (if not completely impossible) for same-sex couples to adopt...so this was their last chance.

I am so, so very happy for them.

I am okay. I am truly happy for them, but I would be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't the least bit bummed. Every time I see them, I see B and how brilliantly she is glowing. She has the cutest baby bump, and I think about how I could have been there, too. We could be comparing our notes, and thinking about baby names together. (Did I tell you I was convinced I was having a girl? I still think that.) I see her and smile, and I think about what might have been.

I kind of chuckled to myself when I just wrote "might have been." For awhile after my miscarriage, I would see her and be bitter, and think about what should and what would have been. I don't feel that way anymore, and that surprises me. I was not meant to have this baby, I know that now. I know that we are not given trials that we cannot handle, and everything happens for a reason. Just because I don't understand the reason now, doesn't mean it's not there. I may never understand, but at least now I accept it. I have an incredibly wonderful support system that has helped me keep my head on straight. I am now able to see when I am being irrational, and change my thoughts to rational ones. I know that I can call my friend Kira whenever I have feeling down. I know that I can call on her ever-understanding husband when I need just a little spiritual help (and I know that my husband, though he doesn't agree with the views, will drive me to the ends of the earth to help me get that help that I need. Heck, I don't agree with the views most of the time...but I know when I need help.) I know that I can (mostly) call my sisters for advice and to vent...and I know they will listen to me without judgement. I am very blessed with the support system that I have that can help me through the trials I have been given. Without them, I would have never been able to get through this (regardless of therapy and medication.)

I don't know why I was given this trial, but I will take it. I know that it has made me (through much trial and error) a better person. Hopefully, it'll make me a better wife and a better mother in the long run.