Unhelpful Advice

Let me give you some advice. If you know someone that is suffering with infertility/miscarriage, I am going to provide you with a few choice things not to say...

Offering your womb's services is not appropriate. Period. Do not offer to surrogate or to donate eggs. If she wants to borrow your uterus, she'll ask. If she doesn't ask, assume she doesn't want it.

Telling her that it could be worse....not helpful. More than likely, THAT is the worst thing that has ever happened to her family. To her, it can't get worse.

Telling your own story of how YOU conquered infertility/made yourself feel better after a miscarriage/your friend/your mom/your sister/your fourth cousin twice removed...again, not even a little helpful.

On the other hand, do not share your mom's/friend's/cousin's horror story involving miscarrying or infertility. TRUST me. She doesn't want to hear it. She probably doesn't give a crap about anyone's situation but her own.

Do not tell her to "get over it." Not unless you want a fist in your face. No, I'm not kidding.

Do not offer advice about what she "did wrong." Who knows why a miscarriage happens? Most doctors don't even know. Don't play doctor. Just shut up. On the same level, do no pretend she is ignorant about it. She knows what's going on. She doesn't have to like it, but she probably understands.

Do not say "maybe you're not meant to be parents." (yes, this was actually said to me.) Let me tell you, it took almost every ounce of self control I had not to strangle that person within an inch of her life.

Do not ask her when they're going to try again. Maybe she and her husband are just trying to get through THIS pregnancy. Maybe thinking about trying again is too painful right now.

Do NOT say, "I know exactly how you feel." Even if you went through the exact situation. You are not her. You have NO idea how she feels. End of story.

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I am not a very good person to be around right now. My mother in law keeps inviting me over, for dinner and whatnot. It's not that I don't love her...I just don't want to be around anyone right now. I have found that my temper is a lot more volatile right now. I figured out that if I'm angry, I'm not crying. I don't know which Lyndsey I like less....the inconsolable one, or the one on the war path. They're both pretty scary. The only person that I even want to talk to these days is my husband. He's the only one that "gets it".

It's getting easier to go out. I have had to go to work a couple days this week, so I had to fit my "I'm okay" mask just right. Of course, I am NOT prepared for people to ask me how the baby is doing. I don't have an answer for that.

"Um...well, last time I checked, it was dying. So, it could be dead right now. Or just clinging to life . Who knows? Ask me next week after my next appointment."

Seriously? I mean, I know that people wouldn't ask if they knew what was going on....but I don't want to broadcast it, you know? That is just asking for more unhelpful advice...and with my dynamite temper, it wouldn't be pretty. Casey and I went to go get our taxes done by the same accountant that has been doing our taxes since we got married (and has been doing his for 12 years.)...and the first thing she said was, "No kids yet? Wow, I would have thought you guys would have at least one by now! What are you waiting for?" I couldn't even put together a coherent thought. I know she was just making friendly conversation, and she wouldn't say that if she knew the situation...I just wasn't prepared. I can try to think of things to say, but when people ask me, they fly out of my head and I just have to concentrate on keeping my head together and keep from crying and making a scene.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't known beforehand. That way I wouldn't have to pretend to be okay. Right now, we're just playing the waiting game. It would happen, and it would suck...but I wouldn't be waiting for it.