And How's Dad?

Casey and I deal with our grief very differently. Where I am laying around, trying to keep myself together (and not succeeding), he was looking for a way to fix it. First, he directed his anger at my Doc, telling me that it was her fault, that she was too crass and too blunt...and that she should have given SOME sort of good news to make it less hard. I found out later that he was just looking for some glimmer of hope so he had something to keep me together. That's why I call him "unfailingly optimistic", because he ALWAYS sees the bright side...even when I can't see it. For several hours after the appointment, all he said was, "Well, she said that miracles do happen! Maybe this will be one!" It made me wonder if he heard anything other than that statement... Right now, though...it's much harder for him, since it's had time for it to sink in. He was up most of the night, because he had nightmares. In the 6 years that we have been together, I have never heard of him having a nightmare...he hardly even has regular dreams. Seeing him like that is really hard for me, too...because I don't have the strength to help him feel better. I can barely keep myself together right now, let alone try and help him. It could be very selfish of me, but I can't help it right now.

You know what the worst part of this is? (You know, other than having to go through this at all.) Knowing that I'm going to miscarry, but not knowing when. It could be today, or tomorrow, or even next week. I actually have to function in the outside world until it happens. I can't take off from work...so I have to go to work and pretend that I'm okay. I'm scared...I'm scared that I'll start miscarrying at work. I'm scared of starting to miscarry, but not being able to get in touch with Casey because he's out of town working. I'm scared of the pain. I'm scared of trying again after. I know that women have miscarriages all the time, and most of the time it's a total fluke that has nothing to do with the mother. But given my fertility history, it's hard not to blame myself. One of my sisters told me (several weeks ago, before any of this happened) that since most miscarriages happen because there is something wrong with the fetus, they don't start looking at the mother until after the 3rd miscarriage. I can't help but think now, "I don't want to even go through the first one....let alone three!"

It's just hard, trying to make sense of it all...and trying to make myself function. I don't really have a choice but to suck it up and move on...but right now it's too much for me.