I blogged a few weeks ago (or maybe I didn't, I know I thought about it) about a client of mine that is an ob/gyn. I actually called her into work today because there is a recall that affected her pet. I mentioned that I tried calling her office a few weeks ago to make an appointment, but no one ever called me back. She actually took my phone number and said that someone will be calling me this week. She asked why I didn't call her at home, since I have access to her home phone number. "Dr. E, even though I have access to that type of information, I didn't think it was appropriate for me to call you, at your home and during your off time, to complain that I couldn't get an appointment in your office. I figured you must have been fully booked or not taking new patients, and I was going to find a different doctor. No big deal, right?" She just smiled at me and said that them not calling me back is unacceptable, and she will make sure I have an appointment by the end of the week.
I know this should be good news. It SHOULD be. I should be thrilled that I can actually talk to a doctor and see if she can figure everything out. But in all honesty, I am absolutely terrified. Going to a doctor kind of interrupts the "if I don't deal with the problem, the problem doesn't exist" world that I have been living in for the past couple of years. What if I have some underlying reproductive issue that cannot be cured? Even worse, what if Casey has a problem? I know that with a lot of women's issues, there is a cure or at least therapy. They can be managed to the point where infertility can be reversed...but I'm not sure that there is such a thing for men. I have spent countless hours on the internet scouring for something that would explain my infertility. Of course, since I haven't been formally diagnosed with anything, I don't have much to go on. I keep telling myself that going to see Dr. E is the first step. If I take it one step at a time, it can't be hard to deal with. The bottom line is that I think I'm just too scared of the unknown.
Why can't I just suck it up? Fear. Fear of the unknown, but also fear of it being explained. Fear of dealing with the problem that right now may just be a figment of my imagination, or a product of stress. I just don't know yet.
8 years ago
5 comments:
You are in our prayers!
Keep your head up, keep the prayers going, and things will work out just like God has planned for you! I do pray it is a minor fix and then baby time...but if not, there are lots of babies that can be adopted that could use a woman as loving as you! :)
Our prayers too.
We all ought to pray that this doctor is super smart and inspired and that Lyndsey can handle any answers she gets. We're all praying for you kiddo!
i know that everything will work out as it should. i ALSO know that that isn't at all comforting to hear when you are scared and worried and hurting. but, i have faith in you. i know that you are brave. and going to a doctor is indeed a brave step. remember that 'courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear.' that's what i've been telling myself alot lately, anyway. remember that 'something else'. remember, too --- i love you. so many do. and we all have you in our prayers.
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