Searching for Hope

Happy Mothers Day, to all of those who are so very lucky to have someone in your life that calls you Mom.

I feel that in my life, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband that I adore. I was very lucky to have found him so early in my life, because there are so many people in this world that never find their other half. I have a good job that I love, that I'm very good at. I'm finding things in myself that people have known were there all along. I have some great friends that I can't imagine my life without. I have great parents that love me in spite of some really bad decisions I've made. I have sisters that I love, that I have very good relationships with after many years of not knowing them very well. I have a big brother that I look up to because despite his limitations in this life, he is generally a happy individual. I have a good life, with good people and things in it.

Despite all of this, I can't help but feel incredibly empty. There is something missing in my life, and I really don't know if or when that void can be filled. I have been dreading this day for weeks...ever since I first saw the Mothers Day cards in the aisle in the grocery store. I could feel myself, even then, spiraling down a very short drain down to depression and insanity. I knew that I would inevitably get the phone calls and emails from those people who just don't understand how hard it is for me to cope. "Oh, it'll happen for you someday, just be patient." Or maybe "Wow, you're not pregnant yet? I would have figured you'd have at least one by now..." Or the ever heart-wrenching statement from people my age, "WHY do you want kids? You're so young!" I get it, okay? I don't need constant (or even annual) reminders of the fact that I don't have the one thing in my life that I want, and need, more than anything else. And if I hear, "Don't try so hard, then it'll happen! That's what happened to me" one more time, I'm going to scream.

It's taken a lot of self control to keep this inside. Most people who see me and deal with me day to day don't see how much my heart hurts. If I am around even one other person, I am able to keep my emotions in check. But, I can't even go to the grocery store by myself. If someone is with me, I have a reason not to cry when I see a little baby bump. I can't show how much it hurts when there is someone standing right there.... Do you know how pitiful it is to burst into tears in the grocery store because someone went around you with a baby stroller? I know...it happened last week. My own husband doesn't even see it, because it hurts him to see me so upset. We're both questioning ourselves, wondering if one of us to to blame. He is just as eager to start our family as I am, but he's much better at not being sad about it. So, to keep him happy, I hide it from him too. It doesn't stop my heart from breaking into a million pieces, but at least I am able to keep myself from crying about it when he's around.

This is my song today. I don't think I've ever been able to find a song that perfectly explains my feelings....except for this one.