You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry - Hulk Style

Every time I think I've got my anger issues under control, something happens and it reminds me that keeping my anger under control is a constant battle. Bah.

Without getting into specifics...I was angry at my husband this morning. Really mad. Like, "I know it's only 5:30 in the morning, but if I don't wake him up and get this off my chest, I might just smother him in his sleep" kind of mad. But since he wouldn't wake up even though I hit him repeatedly with a pillow because he's a heavy sleeper, I had to wait for his alarm to go off at 6:00...which left me sitting on the bed for 30 minutes, plotting his demise deciding what to say to him. I finally managed to calm down after calmly explaining my feelings to him (while he was still rubbing sleep out of his eyes, but I think he got the point.)

That wasn't a very great start to my morning. It's exhausting being so mad that early in the morning. I wouldn't recommend it. Then after I was calm enough to put a rational thought together, I started thinking about my current "situation."

I am super anxious about my appointment on Thursday. Just thinking about it stresses me out. At first I DID want Casey there...but now I'm not sure. Because of the way he reacts to me melting down in doctor's offices (he doesn't react badly, mostly he wonders out loud how I'm able to cry like that in a public setting, or wonders why I'm crying in the first place), I'm wondering if it would be wiser to leave him at home, so he can greet me at the door with a big bowl of ice cream. I don't know yet.

I'm also anxious because I don't know what to expect with this doctor. I know Dr E, both from her work and mine. I know what to expect when I see her, and I know she'll always be up front and honest with me. Since I don't know this doctor, he could be the kind of person that would sugarcoat things to give me false hope. I react much better to people who are blunt with me. I respect it more. That, and I can't handle false hope. I can barely handle real hope right now. It's too terrifying.

Plus, I'm supposed to be starting my period on Thursday...so I'm really hoping I don't have to have an ultrasound. Those ultrasound wands suck, and when Casey's there, he can't help but poke fun. He has a brain-to-mouth filter problem, just like me.

You know what? It totally just occurred to me, literally just now, that my pissed-off-edness might have something to do with PMS. Hmm. Didn't put those two together until right this second. Jeez....dense a little? (but he totally still deserved it.)