Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I am much more nervous about my appointment tomorrow (er....today) than I initially thought I was. At first, I was just thinking that this appointment would be another run-of-the-mill OG/GYN appointment. I thought I would get an ultrasound, get cleared of any large cysts, and walk out with a new prescription for Clomid.

However, I am meeting with an infertility specialist. He is not a regular doctor. Dr. E was a regular doctor, who believed that she didn't have the resources to help me. She referred me to this man, who apparently can help...or at least can try.

I am scared. It's like I'm starting over again. Not only that, but it's making it more real. This isn't a dream anymore. This isn't a bad nightmare that I'll wake up from in the morning. This is a real problem, and now I'm searching for hope.

Bear with me for a second...I'm not super religious and I'm trying to sort though my thoughts, my feelings, and my fears. It's hard to put them all into something that makes sense to people that aren't me.

I'm realizing much more as my journey progresses that hope and faith are not mutually exclusive concepts...you can have both. Usually you need both. I also know that faith and fear are mutually exclusive. You can't cling to one and also have the other. There is a quote by Mary Manin Morrissey, "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith." It's true. It's a struggle to keep the fear in check, to let faith grow. It's hard not to be angry with God, not to yell and plead and pout, not to feel forsaken. I keep having to remind myself that though this is a very personal struggle, this was given to me for a purpose. He knows me and He knows that I am strong. Even when I don't believe it myself, I am gently reminded that I wouldn't have this problem if I couldn't get through it. As much as I don't like it and as much as I don't understand why, sometimes that's enough to get me through the day.

But lemme tell ya.....that's not always the case. Ask me how I'm feeling next week...and you'll probably get a very, very different answer.