Musings

So I had my post-op appointment yesterday with Dr. E. Can you believe that it's already been 6 weeks since my surgery? If I didn't count the weeks on a calendar, I wouldn't have believed it myself. However...calenders don't lie.

I'm all healed up. Go me. She said we can go ahead and start trying again. I'm not sure about it just yet. I got a very good bit of advice from my sister, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. She said, "If you think that you can live though it, then go for it. If not...give yourself some time." I'm not saying that I wouldn't live through it...but I think I just need some more time to be emotionally ready. I have the same chance for a miscarriage that I did last time - 1 in 5. I just need to make sure that I am in a place where, if it does happen again, I will be able to keep my head up like I have been. I don't want to be in that dark place again...it's sad and lonely there. No matter how much love and friendship I surround myself with, it's still a very, very lonely place. I know that I wouldn't be given any situation that I couldn't handle, so maybe I need a little more faith in myself.

For now, I'll keep working hard at work and at home (making this beautiful house into the home I've always dreamed of), and not dwell on what might have been. If I were meant to have that baby, I would have. I firmly believe that. That knowledge doesn't change how sad I am to have lost that baby (or potential baby), but this is a perfect example of "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I am a stronger woman, a stronger wife, and I will be a stronger mother. If I could make it through this, there isn't anything in the world that I can't accomplish. I have known the depths of despair, and I have endured hell...but I am able to hold my head up high and stare adversity in the face. I have a goal, and I will achieve it.

I just need a little time.