I Wasn't Prepared.

When Shane and Zoey came to visit, I wasn't prepared for the bitterness to overwhelm me like it did. I'm used to avoiding babies and conversations about them (I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell my mother in law that I don't CARE that so and so is pregnant.) but Zoey is 2 1/2 years old. I thought I had my emotions better under control. Apparently not. I found that I was very angry at first, and I directed my anger at Casey. I wanted to be left alone (like I always do when I'm angry) and he wanted to talk it out (like he always does when I'm angry.) He wouldn't leave me alone to read, and I felt my blood start to boil, and as soon as I was about to start yelling, my emotions slipped. I realized that I wasn't actually angry, but very sad. I realized in that moment that anger is (and has been for a long time) my defense mechanism. To keep myself from getting hurt, I direct my anger outward at anyone who crosses my path. We'll call that the breakthrough of the week.

We had a long talk. I understand that he's just as sad about this whole situation as I am. He saw how panicked I got when Zoey called me Mommy, and he said that he was getting really weepy watching me love that little girl. He lost his baby, too...not just me. But I can't help but feel that he doesn't have a right to feel angry about it...because I have this underlying guilt that he doesn't have. I feel like my body has betrayed me, and that there is nothing I can do about it but get angry. I am a woman. I was built to have babies, and to be a mother. Instead, my body betrayed the instinct that I have and left me wondering if I'll ever be able to have the chance to be a mother, at least biologically.

I've started the hormone balancing cream, Prolief. 2/3 of my sisters SWEAR by it...so why not give it a shot? My doctor put me on progesterone pills when I started having problems with the pregnancy, so I am going to use this progesterone cream for awhile and see if I notice any difference. I haven't yet....but I started it last Thursday. We'll see. There are a lot of people online that swear they were infertile, and now have children because of those miracle cream. I'm hoping that I can get a little miracle thrown my way.