"The" Update

I woke up Saturday morning, feeling a little off. I can't really explain it...I was just off somehow. Not feeling that great. I noticed that I was bleeding a little, but it didn't worry me too much, because I know that spotting early in pregnancy is normal-ish.

I went to work as usual (It was Saturday...I had a meeting to run, and then I was supposed to work all day.) That's when I started cramping a little. When I went to the bathroom, there was a LOT of blood, and some clots. That's when I knew things weren't right. Erin came to check on me in the bathroom (she knows me well enough to know something was wrong.) I proceeded to freak out....and within 5 minutes, my shift was covered and I was on the my way to the nearest walk-in clinic. When I got there, they said that they weren't equipped to handle what was going on, and sent me to the ER.

I walked in...bawling....and was triaged and checked in right away. I sat in the waiting room waiting to be taken back, calling Casey, trying to get ahold of him because I needed him there. Of course, when I got him, he's TWO hours away in some tiny town in the middle of nowhere, and it'll take him awhile to get there. I was there a total of five hours.

I was taken back fairly quickly, and a battery of tests were done. The whole nine yards....four vials of blood were taken, peed in a cup, a pelvic exam, had TWO ultrasounds (THAT wasn't pleasant at all....considering what had to be done to do those ultrasounds...) Casey finally showed up while I was waiting for the test results.

I have what is called a "threatened abortion", or "threatened miscarriage". The doctor is suggesting that if I haven't already miscarried, that I might soon. (Essentially, they have no clue if I have or not, because of a couple conflicting things.) The urine test showed that I'm pregnant. (duh. Seriously?) The blood tests showed the hcg hormone was present, and could be normal if they had a baseline (which I was supposed to get this Thursday.) The pelvic exam showed that it was not ectopic, and the ultrasound showed one lonely little fetus, roughly 6 weeks old. The problem with the baby is that it did not have a heartbeat. The ER doctor said that it's possible that it's too early to have a heartbeat, and I need to get retested by my doc by Tuesday...and until then I'm on bedrest. (From my research, he's just trying to make me feel better because at 6 weeks, there is SUPPOSED to be a heartbeat.) Kira and Ben came down (regardless of my objections, because of the drive) so Ben could give me a blessing, and Kira could provide me with at least a couple of days worth of reading entertainment and cookies. I needed it. It felt good to have my friends there.

So how am I doing now? I was doing much better yesterday than I am today. Maybe it's because I'm awake at 3:00 AM because I'm cramping so badly I can't sleep. At first, I was very, "whatever will be, will be." I know that it's not my fault, whatever happens. At this stage, there is nothing that I could have done to prevent it, and there is nothing I can do to keep it from happening now (bedrest aside.) And the silver lining in all of this is that we now know that I can GET pregnant....and we need to figure out how to STAY pregnant long enough to deliver a healthy baby. I KNOW this already. That hasn't changed. However, my emotions are much less trustworthy than my logic....and right now I am vacillating between crying and being very angry.

What was the point? What was the freakin' point of even getting pregnant? A test? To find out that I can get pregnant? Great....but then getting my hopes up so high, just to have them crash down on my like this is almost unbearable. We have waited so long for this child, and to lose it like this is like God's sick joke. I have been literally walking on air these past two weeks, being so happy that I could burst. Now, I just want to shake the crap out of someone and find out WHAT is HAPPENING to me?! Now, I know that it's not confirmed yet....and I might be jumping the gun. But, I am cramping so badly that I want to throw up. I have painkillers that I've been eyeing for the past hour...but haven't taken because I might not lose this baby....and I don't want to screw with its little cells by taking narcotics. All my signs are pointing to that I am miscarrying, and it's making me so sad that I almost can't function. Of course, it'll be a miracle if I don't miscarry, and keep this baby to term. I'm not saying it can't happen...I just think it's very unlikely.

I am calling my OB as soon as her office is open, to see if she can see me earlier than Thursday, since I am on bedrest until I follow up with her. And being on bedrest sucks, because it gives me lots of time to think. Thinking is not healthy for me right now.