Anxiety

I scheduled my followup appointment for this Thursday, knowing that Thursday is Casey's regular day off. So of course this is the week that they change his day off to Wednesday.

I have been very good at being calm and collected. Not crying. Not getting angry (at least about this). I have been able to live my life, work, play, enjoy my husband and my family. Not without effort, but I've been able to do it.

BUT, when I found out that Casey wasn't be able to go to my doctor's appointment with me, I started getting very, very anxious. I need him there. He is my rock, and my sanity. I need him there to hold my hand, whether I get bad news or good. My mother in law offered to go with me...and while I appreciate it, she's not Casey. I need my husband. All of those thoughts that kept me captive in my own misery for so long are starting to creep up again, and I need my husband to be there to make sure I don't fall to pieces waiting for the doctor.

Please don't think that I'm an overemotional, needy wife. I am quite independent in most aspects of my life. I am a leader at work, an assertive manager that doesn't take crap from either my employees or clients. My bosses admire me and love the way that I've turned the clinic around. I am a daughter that doesn't run to my mommy with every problem. I am a friend that people turn to for advice and a shoulder to cry on. I'm the wife that can (and has) held down my household while my husband has been away. I have put the pieces of my broken life back together more than once since I got married. I've lost my home, my cars, my job (and my husband's job-three times) all in the span of 3 years. I can accomplish just about anything, as long as I keep my nose to the grind and never let the people around me see me sweat.

However, this battle hasn't been only mine. My husband has been my pillar of strength every step of the way. I know myself. And I know that sitting in that doctor's office by myself is going to be incredibly hard for me. I'll be sitting around all these pregnant women, and I'll be turning green with envy and be so anxious that I'll probably throw up. (like I did last time I went.) This appointment could be life changing, or it could tell me nothing. I've been waiting for the results of these tests for almost a month, and the suspense has been eating away at me. It could be a turning point in my life...and I can't face it alone. Whether it be good or bad...I need my husband to share it with. It'll cut the grief in half...or double the joy. Either way it goes, I need him there.