Discombobulated

Kira came to visit today. I tried to convince her not to. Actually, I called her this morning and told her it was her last chance to change her mind, because I really didn't feel like dealing with people, even though I heart her. She came anyway.

It was nice to have her here, a nice distraction. And because she brought the kids, I couldn't spend the day doing what I had originally planned to do (probably a blessing in disguise.)

I can't really put a coherent thought together. I am just so overwhelmed with sadness right now that I don't really know what does and does not make sense in my head. Casey was sweet enough to listen to me ramble for awhile...but I'm not sure any of it actually made sense.

It's hard to think about today being my due date.... I hear all these pregnant women complaining that their pregnancy is going on forever, and that they feel like their due date will never come. Funny, because it seems like yesterday when I saw that positive pregnancy test. Those few weeks were the happiest weeks in my life...and it got snatched away in the blink of an eye. I guess it's hard to believe for me, because I didn't have any of the milestones that pregnancies have...maybe it would have seemed longer had I been able to sustain it. I have been dreading this day for weeks...and when it got here, I wanted to crawl into a hole until it was over.

I wanted a memento. I wanted something that I could hold in my hand, something to help me remember that it wasn't a dream, that I was pregnant. Not to remember the miscarriage, but to remember the baby. Something tangible....because all I have to show for it right now is an empty womb and a broken heart.