Maybe Another Day....

Shouldn't it get easier? When? Because I'm starting to get the feeling that my husband is getting a little tired of having to talk me off of a ledge every other day. He would never say anything, but I can't help but having a nagging suspicion. It's also possible that I'm being paranoid.

I don't sleep. Have I mentioned this before? It's not that I don't try to sleep...I do. But when I do sleep, I have nightmares. And night terrors, which are so so so much worse. In order to not have nightmares/terrors, I have to take sleeping pills. Contrary to what the sleeping pill companies would have you believe, they do not provide restful sleep. At least not for me... They knock me out so hard that it's hard to get out of bed even 10-12 hours later. When I have to work the next day, I don't take anything and spend most of the day sleepwalking. I haven't had a good nights sleep in over a month...maybe longer...ever since I first started having problems with the pregnancy. (I consider a good night to be only waking up once or twice to go to the bathroom or get water.)

Sometimes, on the extra bad days, I can't help but blame myself. What if I hadn't worked so hard in the beginning? Maybe I could have backed off more on my work, not lifted the 40 pound CBC machine so it could be installed. (That was before I started having problems.) I tried to go on light duty, I did! I can list the things in my head that I feel I shouldn't have done...but did anyway. Who knew? Hindsight is always 20/20... I've thrown myself back into my work because it provides a very good distraction. If I can concentrate really hard on making my hospital run well, then maybe I can keep the tears away. I just try to get through every day. Today first, I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.