Some days, Infertility just sucks.

Some days, I don't have the energy to fight it.  Work has been completely insane this week, and  by the time I had a day off, I was so drained that I didn't have the energy to try and keep the smile on my face.  I told Casey last night that it makes me tired to be sad and cry all the time...but it's absolutely exhausting to fight it and make myself be happy and function in the world.  And it makes me angry when I talk to women who are pregnant, or didn't have any trouble getting pregnant...and then COMPLAIN about it.  It's almost like I feel like they shouldn't dare complain about how miserable they are...because I would give anything to be that miserable.  I wouldn't mind a little morning sickness or swollen feet right now.  Someone I know told me yesterday that she thinks she might be pregnant...and how she so doesn't want to be pregnant right now, with everything going on in her life.  I wanted to shake the crap out of her and scream, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW GOOD YOU'VE GOT IT!  YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT, AND YOU GET PREGNANT!  YOU ALREADY HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, AND YOU DON'T WANT THIS NEW ONE?!  HOW STUPID AND SELFISH ARE YOU?!"

 

Looks like we finally are getting a house.  It's beautiful.  It's a little dollhouse that is perfect for our little family...and when I heard, the only thing I could think of is that it's going to feel so empty....all those rooms and no one to fill it but Casey and me.  I cried last night more than I have in a long time.  I felt like it was never going to stop...and poor Casey couldn't do or say anything to make it better.  I cried until there were no tears left and I couldn't breathe (because of the snot and tears and stuff....not a pretty sight."

 

I heard this on the radio yesterday.  I'm starting to think that my life needs a soundtrack.  Maybe I'll put one on this blog.  Casey said he couldn't understand why I continue to listen to these types of songs if they make me cry.  I'll let you guys know as soon as I figure it out.

 

"So Hard" - Dixie Chicks

 

Back when we started,
We didn't know how hard it was.
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us.
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for.
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore.

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do.
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you.

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it?

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong.
And I need your help to move on,
Cause you know it's so hard.
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully.

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free.

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy

It's so hard